FROM Jun 4, 2005: Racing Stripes was your typical kids' movie with talking farm animals and an outcast who wants to make it to the bigtime. Previously it was a mouse who wanted to be a man and a pig who wanted to herd sheep, and now there is the zebra who wants to be a race horse. Featuring the voices of Dustin Hoffmann, Mandy Moore, Frankie Muniz, Whoopi Goldberg, Steve Harvey, David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy, Joe Pantoliano, Snoop Dogg, and Michael Clarke Duncan, and enough pop culture references to have the kids laughing and their parents wondering when it will all end, Racing Stripes is a tale of farm animals convincing their owners to get a zebra on the racetrack.
And why is it that any animal can speak the same language as another animal outside its species, but humans have no idea what their animals are saying? Sure, it's a movie for kids, but you gotta think these things through, people.
C-
Alone In the Dark: Christian Slater attempts to save the earth from symbiotic hell-spawn. A lot of fighting, a lot of monsters you can't really see, a lot of guns, a lot of blandness and monotony. The title is scary, but the movie is not.
F
White Noise & Boogieman: Shadowy figures look to harm the living and the dead. Mystery and a few well-placed scares follow. The ending is anti-climactic or makes no sense. Good names, fair acting, average or poor special effects. Basically not much to look at.
White Noise: F+
Boogieman: D-
Quote of the Week: "Oh my God! Women are the cows of People!"
-Reese, Malcom in the Middle
Hopefully, no women were harmed emotionally in the posting of this message. If you own any of the movies reviewed above, burn them immediately. Your computer will explode in seven seconds.
SW@,
out.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
SW@ Ticket Archive #40: Sex Wax, Sideways Stories, & the Star Spanglish Banner
FROM May 12, 2005: A lot of S's in that title. Hope a certain procrastinating English teacher is Reeding this right now. Ask Cube if you care about the back story. On to the exclusive horror, the excessive drunkeness, and the excellent comedy. Oh yeah; there's sex, too.
First, SW@'s review of the Case presentation of "House of Wax." You know it'll be a good movie when you have to pass through a metal detector and have your backpack searched for cell phones and camera equipment. You know it'll be good when you oooh and ahh at the production company logos. You know it'll be good when the first previews are of Star Wars III and Batman Begins. Then it starts, and you're simultaneously creeped out and underwhelmed.
Having watched too many scary movies (including the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake of a few years ago), I had seen the abused-deformed-child-with-crazy-parents premise a few times before. Having seen too many zombie pictures (and the unrepresentative trailer of HoW), I had expected the wax figures in the house to come alive and go on a murderous rampage at every second, both heightening and gradually dulling my sense of fear. What I did see was a shocking amount of gore (fear gradually sharpening); so many surprise pop-ups and loud noises that while I was waiting for something to happen at a particular time, something happened a little later or earlier than I expected, and I was scared anyway (a few times, I was actually scared by nothing happening); and so much sex and sexual humor (Paris Hilton on the big screen in her underwear, "dropping her lipstick" on her boyfriend's crotch, etc.) that I was distracted into laughter and arousal, and once again scared moments later. But basically, House of Wax was a wax "reimagining" (because "remake" isn't a cool word anymore) of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: deformed lunatic (think Waxface instead of Leatherface) and equally crazy brother move into small, off-the-map town, turn it into an overblown waxburbia, and kill out-of-towners who are just passing through. The current victims include Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert, and Chad Michael-Murray; on the way to a football game, their car is mysteriously sabotaged and they must go unwittingly into the wax town for help. These idiots split up every chance they can get, and are rewarded by being killed off every fifteen minutes--except for two survivors who kick ass and call the Staties.
Great special effects on the literal House of Wax, scares that were actually scary, and Paris Hilton almost naked. Who could ask for more? ME! I know it makes the story progress, but why do scary movie characters have to be so damn stupid?
C+
Adam Sandler in a non-HappyMadison dramedy? (You'll never see that sentence again, I promise.) Yes, and it worked. Narrated by Jamie Lynn Seigler and starring Sandler, Tea Leoni, and Paz Vega, Spanglish takes the whole lost in translation premise to a comfortable, Award-worthy comic height. Vega is the new Spanish-only maid in the Sandler house, adept at looking pretty while she yells in Spanish, is puzzled by American slang, and walks into sliding glass doors. Family values clash, the language barrier deteriorates, the families become closer, and Vega eventually has to leave because she is sexually attracted to Sandler, who remembers he's married just in time to not look like a total scumbag. Vega's bilingual daughter hates her, admires her, and gets into an Ivy League college.
Great comedy, the right mix of drama and sex (just enough to make the movie sad, but not boring or depressing), and a good B list cast.
A (Most Wanted)
Quote of the Week: "And it's true we named our children after towns that we've never been to.
And it's true that the clouds just hung around like black Cadillacs outside a funeral.
And we were done, done, done with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around."
-Black Cadillacs, Good News for People Who Love Bad News by Modest Mouse
And it's true that
SW@ is out, out, out,
But I'll be around.
First, SW@'s review of the Case presentation of "House of Wax." You know it'll be a good movie when you have to pass through a metal detector and have your backpack searched for cell phones and camera equipment. You know it'll be good when you oooh and ahh at the production company logos. You know it'll be good when the first previews are of Star Wars III and Batman Begins. Then it starts, and you're simultaneously creeped out and underwhelmed.
Having watched too many scary movies (including the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake of a few years ago), I had seen the abused-deformed-child-with-crazy-parents premise a few times before. Having seen too many zombie pictures (and the unrepresentative trailer of HoW), I had expected the wax figures in the house to come alive and go on a murderous rampage at every second, both heightening and gradually dulling my sense of fear. What I did see was a shocking amount of gore (fear gradually sharpening); so many surprise pop-ups and loud noises that while I was waiting for something to happen at a particular time, something happened a little later or earlier than I expected, and I was scared anyway (a few times, I was actually scared by nothing happening); and so much sex and sexual humor (Paris Hilton on the big screen in her underwear, "dropping her lipstick" on her boyfriend's crotch, etc.) that I was distracted into laughter and arousal, and once again scared moments later. But basically, House of Wax was a wax "reimagining" (because "remake" isn't a cool word anymore) of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: deformed lunatic (think Waxface instead of Leatherface) and equally crazy brother move into small, off-the-map town, turn it into an overblown waxburbia, and kill out-of-towners who are just passing through. The current victims include Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert, and Chad Michael-Murray; on the way to a football game, their car is mysteriously sabotaged and they must go unwittingly into the wax town for help. These idiots split up every chance they can get, and are rewarded by being killed off every fifteen minutes--except for two survivors who kick ass and call the Staties.
Great special effects on the literal House of Wax, scares that were actually scary, and Paris Hilton almost naked. Who could ask for more? ME! I know it makes the story progress, but why do scary movie characters have to be so damn stupid?
C+
Adam Sandler in a non-HappyMadison dramedy? (You'll never see that sentence again, I promise.) Yes, and it worked. Narrated by Jamie Lynn Seigler and starring Sandler, Tea Leoni, and Paz Vega, Spanglish takes the whole lost in translation premise to a comfortable, Award-worthy comic height. Vega is the new Spanish-only maid in the Sandler house, adept at looking pretty while she yells in Spanish, is puzzled by American slang, and walks into sliding glass doors. Family values clash, the language barrier deteriorates, the families become closer, and Vega eventually has to leave because she is sexually attracted to Sandler, who remembers he's married just in time to not look like a total scumbag. Vega's bilingual daughter hates her, admires her, and gets into an Ivy League college.
Great comedy, the right mix of drama and sex (just enough to make the movie sad, but not boring or depressing), and a good B list cast.
A (Most Wanted)
Quote of the Week: "And it's true we named our children after towns that we've never been to.
And it's true that the clouds just hung around like black Cadillacs outside a funeral.
And we were done, done, done with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around."
-Black Cadillacs, Good News for People Who Love Bad News by Modest Mouse
And it's true that
SW@ is out, out, out,
But I'll be around.
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